où est mon piccard?

My last post seemed so optimistic... and things are okay. Nothing has changed (seriously- the bags of puke are still on my porch) but goddamn I wish things were better than okay for once. I regret almost everything I've done since I came back here and I'm tired of dwelling on it. I let someone make me feel like a fool once again and then I made someone who didn't deserve it, feel the same way I do. I avoid dating because the best dudes always like me and I know that I won't let myself be what they want. In an effort to avoid leading people on or making someone bummed out I do exactly what I don't want to. My brain is seriously fucked up.

"I like you but I don't want to make you sad so kiss me and then I'll leave you alone forever."

That scenario has unfortunately been played out several times in my life and I wish I had done things differently. I wish I could let myself feel anything for anyone but I can't right now.

So I'm trying to learn French. I'm going to be taking lessons from a nice French man in Cambridge.

Ideally, I'd like to become so fluent that I only speak in French and eventually forget how to properly converse in English but I'll probably be lucky to even learn basic conversation in French. I can dream.

Nobody cares. I know. I don't care either.

Oh, I am buying this dress:


and I will probably wear it every day until it falls apart. I want it in black but I am getting it in white because I wear black every day and this old woman at the store thinks I am in mourning... and I kind of am.